Health > Troubled 17 Year Old. (#16678)
I'm 17 - 18 in a couple of months. It's taken me a lot of courage to start writing this, because I am very, very embarrassed about what I'm going to say and I feel like such an awful, twisted person. I have always had confidence issues, paranoia issues, feelings of worthlessness and feel I'm never good enough for anyone and people are constantly judging me, and very often I find myself very depressed just wishing I had a different life. But I'm not sure if what I'm going to say now, ties into what I've just said.

In the last few years, as I've grown up, I have drifted apart from my dad. When I was younger, he never acted as a dad - he didn't help with homework, or attend any parents evenings and didn't really play the father role. He then had depression, and I believe he has never fully recovered from it, because since his depression 10 years ago, he has completely let himself go. He looks a state, his personal hygeine is shocking, the tiniest, tiniest thing sends him into orbit and he rants and raves constantly. He walks around the house in a terrible mood and he makes the family feel tense. He hasn't worked for 10 years and spends every single day sitting around the house, not even doing work on the house which is in desperate need. I could go on for ages and ages about his problems, but it's got to the point now, where I can't stand him and hate being around him. I don't remember the last time we had a conversation, and if we ever do it's the most awkward thing I could ever experience - we just can't communicate. He does try, by being silly and saying silly things, but I can't stick it. There's also the fact that I've seen him in times of extreme violence so many times, and I've seen him push my mum and throw things at her in arguments, and he's hit me a few times in the past too. That's the basics of our relationship but I could go on and on.

Now, I believe that it is down to this lack of a father figure that I have that I have a thing for older men. This started in year 9 at the age of 13/14 when I fell for one of my teachers, and became besotted with him. I took this through to year 10, where I started to fancy more and more teachers and it had got to a point where they controlled my daily routine. I would learn where they would be at what point in the day and I would make sure I was there just to see them. I would walk different ways to lessons because I knew I would pass them. I became obsessed, and it caused me to have a fallout with my best friend. While having all these feelings for these teachers, I also became depressed at night when I was at home and I'd cry and a few times it lead to self harm. I remember becoming very close to one teacher, because I was the top student in his subject and he'd give me extra work and wink at me in the corridor and things like that, which made me feel pretty amazing. That teacher then left at the end of the year, causing me to become extremely upset and I remember spending the first week of the summer holiday in tears and didn't eat for about 4 days.


The whole teacher thing carried on to year 11, where there became a list of about 10 teachers who I fancied. In truth, I probably didn't even fancy some of them, but they were there to be the authority figure, for me to look at and dream about, wishing they would protect me, probably like a father should, but mine doesn't. These teachers dominated my school life, and it was the discussion everyday with my friends, and the lengths I would go to just to see some of the teachers, or just to talk to them or whatever, was extreme and certain ones were never off my mind. It probably didn't help that one of them found out I liked them, as did the whole year group and it was the hot topic for about 4 months.

I then left school and went to college, and the teacher fantasy continued. There's only a few male teachers at college, and I am besotted with 3 of them, even now. I never stop thinking about them, I talk to my friends about them, I stare at them when they walk past and look out for them to walk past too.
All the celebrities I like are in their 30s or older, and my favourite age group tends to be mid 40s - I'm known for fancying older men to basically anyone that knows me. When I'm out in public, shopping or something, it's always the middle aged men that catch my eye, and oddly enough, the parents are the most attractive.

I fantasise every single day about being loved by an older man and being cared for, and so often just take myself into a day dream. I constantly think about the 3 teachers at college and just think how I would love something to happen and I won't deny that these fantasies are sexual too. I mean it is genuinely constant - I can't get this fantasy out my head, that I just want to be with an older man so much, but the truth is, I've hardly had any proper boyfriends. My first ever kiss was 18 months ago at a party where this guy who liked me and always flirted was dared to kiss me, and so we did, but I haven't kissed anyone since then. I haven't had sex, and feel so pressured to, as all my friends have and I feel so left out as I haven't had sex and feel like I really need to have it soon, even though I know I'm still only young. My college friends think I have had sex, I was too embarrassed to admit that I haven't.

Now, here comes the problem which I swear I need help with, and I beg you not to judge me. One of the teachers at college is called Paul (I've not used his real name) and I was once talking to a close friend on MSN who doesn't live local to me, and I mentioned the name Paul, but she had forgotten who he was. So naturally, I told her he was a teacher at college but I took it too far and stupidly told her that not only was he a teacher I fancied, but that we're seeing each other secretly within college. You can imagine she was shocked, and she asked questions, all of which I answered with massive lies. Then for the next few weeks she'd ask me how things were going, and I'd make up stories that had happened and things that we'd said and all sorts, and she believed all of it because I went into so much detail and just seemed to be so good at making these stories up. I should've stopped before it got further and I know that, but it just became too late for me to tell her I made it all up, and in truth, whenever I was telling her about things that had happened, I was taking myself out of my own world and into this fake one where I even believed myself that it was happening and it made me feel good.

That was until I'd be at college and see him and realise how none of it was true and this Paul doesn't even know me and I had to remember in reality, I'd made it all up and I wasn't actually seeing this gorgeous teacher and my life wasn't really all that good. In the end I decided it was upsetting me too much and I told my friend that me and Paul were over to stop us talking about it. However, only the other week, she told me she'd met this guy who she'd been talking to online for a few years and she lost her virginity to him, and I got frustrated that yet another friend had had sex and she was probably going to get a boyfriend while little me has just hardly experience and don't have anyone interested in me, and so I stupidly told her that me and Paul are back together. Yes, I'm an idiot and that's why I'm posting here - I want help.

Next is even worse than this teacher Paul, and I'm ashamed that I've done this. Last year I spent 6 months working in cancer research doing voluntary work and this has been the basic of this current lie. My 3 best friends at college all have boyfriends and have had sex, and so again I feel left out. So I told my friends about a 36 year old called Paul (this is what I actually said his name was.) who I worked with at cancer research - now this person doesn't even exist, but I made him up and said that we were close friends but he was enagaged. I then had to make the story more realistic so they believed it, so I saved my own mobile number in my phone as 'Paul' and therefore I can text this 'Paul' and the message comes straight back to me and then I delete the message from my sentbox so it looks like I have genuine messages from someone called Paul in my inbox.

Then when I want to 'reply', I send another text to 'Paul' (myself) only I delete it from my inbox this time and it stores in my sentbox. Therefore I was able to write out complete conversations between me and this 'Paul' and cos my friends saw the texts, they had every reason to believe it. So this carried on for weeks because I couldn't tell them I'd made it up, and then I claimed he was coming to see me over Christmas and so on the said date in the holiday, I had to stay offline as if I were with him. Then a couple of times I've pretended to be on the phone to him at college (this is how sad it's got) and I've just sent so many texts to myself to create dozens of conversations between me and this Paul which my friends have all seen, and I've made us become closer, and then a few weeks ago I said that he'd called off the engagement with his fiance and then we've got closer.

I then told my friends he was coming to see me at the weekend so the weekend just gone I had to be offline all Saturday and my friend was texting me to ask if I was with him and I was texting her to say yes and telling her what we were doing when I was actually sat on my bed watching TV. I can't actually believe how disturbed and twisted I sound as I write this. But over the past 4 months I have made up so many stories about me and this Paul, sent so many texts to myself, faked so many phonecalls and it's becoming so hard to bear now, that I know I'm gonna have to pretend that I'm calming things down with him so I can have a justified reason for not texting anymore. I've told them we are planning to have sex too, just to make me feel better I think, when we're talking about, I feel good and I feel like it's real, but then it hits me and I realise what a massive stupid horrible liar I am and how much trouble this could cause if they ever found out.

I don't even know why I do this, but I know it's not normal behaviour, and I must have an obsessive personality, and probably gawd knows what else. I mean it's one thing obsessing over teachers and older men to such an extreme degree, but to make up such lies and live a big pretence, that surely can't be right, can it?
I just don't know what the HELL to do, because I am so, so embarrassed about this, and I don't know why it happens or how I can ever cure this.

 Pixir - 3/8/2010 1:06:38 PM - Country: United Kingdom - Close Problem Offensive? Unsuitable? Report this comment
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Comments & Replies

I understand about the father figure thing.. I was in the same situation with my father.. I'm now seeing a 49yr old (I'm 21). I don't think that's a big problem.. if you find yourself more attracted to older men, as I do.. they just go with it, you'll find out what's best for you in the end. What it comes down to is love, and if you find someone older who you generally care about and love, then it shouldn't matter about the age difference.

I'm really sorry but I have no answers in regards to the rest of your problem, I can only see it from my own point of view, I had depression from the age of 15 - 19, and I, like you made up lies to my friends.. and separate ones to my family about silly things; some got out of hand and I ended up looking like a fool.. but my family understood, and the friends that didn;t.. they obviously weren't friends. You'll find that it's all part of depression, and I think if you get that controlled.. then maybe in time you'll begin to be able to control the rest of your behaviour..? Try to calm things down, there's no point in losing friends over this, just say you're not seeing him any more.. you don't have to give reasons or details, just say you don't want to talk about it. Then maybe once you've started to control the depression, then you could explain to people why you did what you did, or they don't even have to know if you're too embarrassed to say. I really think you need to get some help for depression though.. go to your doctor and get some help, then maybe you'll find it easier to deal with the rest of your problems. I hope I've been of some help, take care honey xx
Anonymous - Posted: 3/15/2010 3:56:33 PMComment ID: 60310- Offensive? Unsuitable? Report this commentNominate This Reply For A Mug!

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