Vicki, there is nothing that you can do for your friend. She has to be the one to make the decisions.

I totally understand your frustration, I really do - I would like to put all abusive men and women on an island somewhere in the arctic and surround it by a ring of fire so that they can't escape.

But, as I say, she has to make the decision for herself and anybody trying to talk to her about it when she hasn't instigated it or asked for support is just an added pressure on her.

I think that the best thing that you can do for your friend is to make the time for her when she is ready or able to talk and ring her or see her regularly just to see her and check that she's okay. When she's ready to ask for help or advice, she will and that is when you can help her make arrangements (see the Rita Crombie post on the front page for the full details of how you can help if she asks for help).

It's a little bit like the film Fried Green Tomatoes at the Whistle Stop Cafe. The best friend is being abused by her husband and the other friend can see the bruise but the abused woman doesn't want to talk about it, but get's told 'you call me when you need me and I'll be there' and then the abused woman one day gets in contact when she is ready.

Women going through these situations do safety plan, for all we know your friend could be working up to moving out again and planning it out and doing it in secrecy because of the way that he has reacted in the past. I hope that she is, anyway. If not, it will hopefully come soon. Most women will go back to the perpetrator more than 5 times before they leave him for good.

The other good thing that you can do for her is if ever he comes to your house and causes any kind of consternation, even if it is only verbal, even if he is only calling your phone looking for her, please report it to the police. They will log it. If ever she needs evidence in the future for a restraining order this will help her and she will be grateful.

But do save the Women's Aid number into her mobile 0800 2000 247 (if and when you get an opportunity) under a random woman's name like Wendy or Susan (he's unlikely to look at this kind of number) and let her know that it's there in case she ever needs it.

Belle - (Add As Friend) - Posted: 2/8/2010 11:54:37 AMComment ID: 59672- Offensive? Unsuitable? Report this comment

I suggest she go to a solicitor and have a letter sent to him, warning him that if this continues he will be served with an Injunction to keep him away. This is harassment and she should not be held to ransom by this man. She needs to take his weird actions seriously too, and I would suggest she have a word with the police about the way he is acting.

Anonymous - Posted: 2/9/2010 11:12:16 AMComment ID: 59700- Offensive? Unsuitable? Report this comment

i totally understand what you're going through i really do as i've been in your position, just with the sexes switched. The only way they managed to sort of break up is by him being really blunt with her so that she said she hated him and such... but when she came crying back to him, he couldn't refuse her. I've tried to persuade him to break it off with her properly many, MANY times but I think in your case it would be wise to get the police in on the situation. Breaking into her house? That's a criminal offence. If it would help, get alot of people who are against him and show him how much pain he is causing all these people.

RiverEyes - (Add As Friend) - Posted: 2/9/2010 3:06:44 PMComment ID: 59704- Offensive? Unsuitable? Report this comment